Thursday.06.03.04
[ ] - quoc viet - -@_.com @ 3:09am
there’s talk about something happening, and then it happens. you can’t plan for things like this.. like the cliche that the profession chose you, not the other way around, when you know deep down it was a mutual love affair.
a chance the company could go under in one shot.
a chance the company can be worth more than i will ever be able to make in my lifetime.
i’m still alive (for now).
a man is slamming, gracefully, two small hammers onto rocks shaped to form perfectly melodic tones. the notes move in slow harmony and cascade back and forth. then, the slowing of tempo and a lull to false peace. he is leaning over the rocks, tapping each note with steady precision. the vision of myself and the world rises before me, an emotion, a feeling, a sentiment which cannot be visualized. i feel tears rising up to my eyes as the grey-skinned face of a girl with a hard-back stares at me from behind my own eyes. enlarged heads with enlarged eyes shouting my name. so far away. i am inside myself, spiraling down and up at the same time. it is something i can never explain, that force which had moved me here. not thoughts.. not imagination.. not even ideals. it’s the feeling you get when you hear that your grandfather has passed away, the peel of your mind as you watch children cross flooded streets wearing rags and a beaten cap. i see it everyday, along with my hope for a future that can never be reached, alongside my relatives who will never understand that efficiency is what will save their country from certain poverty. they don’t care, because they’ve got it good, in 3 square meals and hopes of a family. 2.5 kids, someone to give a shit for you if you die, meaning in this worthless world. for someone who’s seen the reality of love, the complete and utter bullshit of it, and the absolute power it has to make all things right… where do i go?
“so you’ll work on Japan ok? if things go well and you get close to getting a contract, we will fly you over there.”
i’m a speeding bullet, heading straight towards myself. i can’t claim to know myself and can’t say i really ever knew where i stood. i tried to find myself in my friends, my family, and even in love. in the end i see nothing but everything, my life flashing before my eyes every morning as i wake. it has been 5 months since i graduated and left America to “follow my dreams” and i end up flying and falling, falling and flying, writing nothings in a blog that, truly, no one reads anymore.
today the singers in their costumes sang and their voices stabbed me, over and over, and if i had blinked once more i would’ve cried for the tiny hands that once reached for my face.
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